1. My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. – Jackie Mason
  2. I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall
  3. They laughed at me when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! – Bob Monkhouse
  4. I backup all my data to vinyl. I constantly lose files, but the authenticity is worth it. – Bill Zeller
  5. It is ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. – Marcus Brigstocke
  6. I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving. – Sarah Silverman
  7. To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person. – James Martin
  8. I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well, look what’s telling me that. – Emo Phillips
  9. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord didn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. – Emo Phillips
  10. When I was six, my family moved to a new city, but fortunately, I was able to track them down. – Emo Phillips
  11. Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns
  12. We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. – Ashleigh Brilliant
  13. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Noel Coward
  14. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. – Clarence Darrow
  15. Tragedy is when I cut my finger, comedy is when you fall down a manhole and die. – Mel Brooks
  16. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?
  17. Fashion savvy people probably look at my outfit the same way I look at a person who opens their laptop and has the Ask toolbar installed. – Brett Druck
  18. Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life. – Terry Pratchett
  19. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. – Darrin Weinberg
  20. The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’. – Larry Hardiman
  21. “Two roads diverged in the woods. I took the one less traveled, and had to eat bugs until Park rangers rescued me.” – Jim Rosenberg
  22. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
  23. My doctor says you are what you eat, so I just ate a vegan. – Tim Siedell
  24. I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I’m not a shopaholic. – Tim Siedell
  25. People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up. What I’m doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog. – Ghost Mom